The Appliance Alliance Part One

I know its cliche but appliance really do rally together to conspire against their owners.  Either that or they are like a multitude of fickle, jealous Bedouin wives; pay too much attention to one and soon none of them are doing what you want.

First was the water heater.

Taking a shower one winter morning, I noticed midway through lathering up my shampoo, that the water was slightly cooler than normal.  A few moments later, it was cool.  A moment after that, it was downright freezing.

Don't get me wrong, cold showers have their place.  It's an age-old practice I'm sure, and probably more effective for men than women, but still, its an old standby.  However, I had not just gotten home from a hot date with Antonio Banderas or Hugh Jackman with less-than-satisfying results, so I personally was not in need of this particular cure.  I was, in fact, newly awake from my warm bed and pleasant sleep, and just waking up.  I didn't need this.

I recoiled from the icy jets of water, nearly downing the shower curtain in my attempt to escape frostbite, turned off the shower, and grabbed a towel.  It was Sunday Morning.  No plumber in the Northern Hemisphere was going to be willing to come to my rescue.  I took a chance and called Bob.

Bob did some work for me during the HUD and Short Sale debacle involving the apparently illegal and possibly disastrous rainwater collection system, and he seemed trustworthy enough and he was freelance, so you never know.  I called and left a message, suggesting that I could pay cash if he could come today.

A half hour later I got a call from Bob's wife.  She informed me that he was out with their grandson, hunting, but that she had called him and told him he needed to come to my aid because "that poor dear has no hot water and its so cold!".  God bless insistent wives and obedient husbands.

In late afternoon, Bob showed up with his 10 year old grandson, moved the rifles out of the cab of his truck and grabbed his tool belt. I took from the lack of animal carcass strapped to the work-van that the hunt had been unsuccessful; unless they were hunting snipe.

Upon inspection of my defunct water heater, Bob discovered that the heating element had burned out.  An easy fix.  I'm pretty sure that the grandson did more work than Bob, and definitely more leg work.  God Bless Child Labor too.

I paid him cash.  He was happy.

PoF stands for Plenty of Freaks

So recently I took the advice, or rather, the dare, of a friend and coworker and signed up on a couple of dating sites.  Granted, I know what I want, I'm picky, and I'm pretty much content with my life.  I'm not even sure I WANT a man, so why bother with the effort to FIND one?

I guess I decided that I would sign up and see.  You never know what life will drop in your lap.

First of all, PoF.  This is supposed to be short for Plenty of Fish, but I can assure you that it is more appropriately short for Plenty of Freaks, because let me tell you.

No really, I'm going to tell you.

Gentlemen, Might I suggest first and foremost that you take a picture of yourself happy.  No one wants to give a second thought about some glum looking Eeyore type brooding in the basement.  I have a few other suggestions too.  A picture that is in focus is always a plus.  If I can't discern your features from the pixelated mass of color in your profile, I'm just going to assume you're hiding something.  Maybe you're a lot like Quasimodo (who had a heart of gold, no doubt, and with the right lighting and angle, he probably could have gotten a date). 

Also, subject matter.

If you pose with your car, well that's fine, now I know who comes first in your life.  The same is true with your bike, your gun, or any other inanimate object.  Posing with pets is fine.  Cute kittens and puppies? Hey I'm probably going to favorite that shit because who doesn't love cute kittens and puppies?  Horses?  Dude, you took classes on this didn't you? All women love horses. Heck I might choose "Meet" just to meet the friggin horse!

Posing with alcohol is also a very very bad idea.  Hey I love to have a beer or a good scotch as much as the next girl...ok most girls don't do that, but saying I love it as much as the next guy sort of puts me in the wrong category.  Posing with beer:  not terrible but not the greatest idea.  Posing with a bottle of tequila:  I'm looking for a friend here, not an AA partner.

Why would you take a half naked picture of yourself sprawled on your bed?  Maybe you can pull this off if you're some GQ model, but most guys I know, even the really good looking ones, can't do this.  Its even worse if you're laying all sexy-like on your side and you can see the tighty-whities in the distance and the giant pile of unwashed clothes in the corner, and you have bed hair.  Women can pull this off, but when they do, they're usually sluts.  What sort of message should I take from a half naked man in a bed?

A profile picture followed by 23 pictures of every individual head-to toe tattoo.  You have ink.  Great.  I'm sure its gorgeous.  I myself would like to get a tattoo some day, when I'm ready.  If I like you and you have ink that is not normally visible, let me discover that shit on my own!!!  Its like giving away a scene in a movie!! *kiss kiss* ....."ooo what's this one of?  Nice!  I never would have known it was there!"  Knowing the general layout of the land is one thing.  Getting a detailed google-earth view is quite another

Never ever  I repeat, EVER take a picture of yourself in a public bathroom with the urinal clearly visible in the background.  What are you thinking?  I will now associate you with bodily fluids. The bad kind... Ok I don't really want my first associations with  a man to be bodily fluids of any kind.  Call me old fashioned.

Pictures with your kids.  That's nice, now I will know what your children look like when I STALK YOU AND KIDNAP THEM!!  Really? Does their mother know your children are available for public viewing along with your location on Plenty of Freaks?  If my ex pulled that, he'd be singing soprano. Oh, and I'd have full custody.

Pictures of you on your wedding day with your ex wife's face scribbled out or with your ex girlfriend.
Do I really need to explain why this is bad?

Posing with the carcass of the deer/other animal you just slaughtered.  I respect responsible hunting. Love me some venison, but see above.  Next time go with the kitty or the puppy.

Not everyone on dating sites are terrible, there are just a lot of people who are.  I have been pleased to find out from my male counterparts that there are just as many sketchy females out there as males.

So here we are, delving into the waters of the unknown, filled with sharks, piranha, barracuda, jellyfish, octopi, squid, dolphins, angler fish, and sea turtles.

Thank God I'm a Pisces. At least I already know how to swim.