In bright, antiseptic laboratories around the world, scientists bash their heads against shiny stainless steel counters. The age old frustration of developing a parfum, a cologne, an eau de toilette, that smells…irresistible.
Ok, first of all, why do things that are supposed to make you smell good, have French names? Were the French famed for smelling good, or smelling bad? Or both?
I’m sure someone knows, probably you, but I don't.
I do know a lot of useless tidbits, but that isn’t one of them. I was once told by a friend, that I knew more useless facts than anyone else they'd known. They didn’t know many people, but that’s not the point.
Maybe the French think that they invented the art of Stuff That Makes You Smell Nice, but I’m sure that somewhere in our darkest ancient history, some caveman rolled in Mammoth-poop and tried rubbing himself with flowers after the women of the tribe refused to do romantic cavewoman things with him, and held their noses. They might have pointed at him and said “unghungh mammo poo!” or something of the sort. My apologies to the Cavemen of advertising fame, for that stereotypical depiction. I was told by my Anthropology Professor at IPFW that we probably did not have clear diction at the time of the caveman; something to do with a thin plate of bone and a low roof of the mouth.
Back to the scientists and their aching, bruised foreheads. Untold amounts of money are spent in the pursuit of smelling wonderful. Men want women to think they smell nice and women want men to think they smell nice, and most of them want to smell like someone you’d hook up with, even if they deny it.
The desire to reproduce, the desire to mate, is one of the most basic of instincts. In fact, its one of the strongest. There are others that, in my opinion, are stronger.
The strongest instinct, as I see it, is the instinct of a mother to protect her young. No offense against fathers, but sorry guys, moms win. I hear some of you men out there complaining that you love your children just as much as their mother, and I’m sure you’re right, but let me just illustrate an example.
The juice in the fridge is little Betsy’s favorite. There’s only enough left for one more glass. Betsy’s mom looks in the fridge, sees that there's only one glass left, and has water instead because she doesn’t want to drink all of Betsy’s favorite juice. Either that, or she drinks it and does not rest until she goes to the store to replace it.
Betsy’s dad looks in the fridge, sees that there is only one class left, and drinks it because water doesn’t taste that good. Plus, he’s super thirsty because its so hot out, and he just got done mowing the lawn. Driving that lawn tractor really takes a lot out of you. Besides, he’ll go to the store later and get more. He sits down to watch a minute or two of Oprah and wakes up four hours later to little Betsy, home from school and asking for her favorite juice.
Mothers will give their child the last bit of food rather than eat it themselves. Mothers will turn on their closest friends, family members, or mate, if that individual threatens their young.
Mothers can lift entire 70s era cars off of their children. I make the distinction of 70s era cars because these days, its not much of a feat if your child is pinned beneath the monstrous weight of your neighbor’s SmartCar.
Mothers will sacrifice themselves to save their offspring.
Of course, in dealing with perfume, no one in their right mind would want to smell like the Everywoman’s Child. That's aiming just a little too high. Besides, mass havoc and chaos in the streets. Not good.
Aside from motherly protection, the next strongest desire is food.
Evolutionarily speaking, there’s plenty of time for mating. Contrary to what many teen males believe, you will not actually die if you don’t have sex. You will, however, die if you do not eat.
The drive for procreation is strong, but the drive for nourishment is stronger. If you need proof, have a man skip breakfast and lunch, then run around the local mall for three hours. Let him rest up a little, then send a naked woman up to him holding a fresh cheeseburger and fries. See what he reaches for first.
I passed a man on the street the other day who smelled like Froot Loops. My immediate reaction was to turn around and try to smell him again. I thought of it as though it were an actual option. I even rationalized what I might say to explain my actions.
“Excuse me sir, but I’m a trained olfactory detective and I believe I smelled a lethal poison on you. Just hold still while I check…”
Maybe not.
In the end, I walked on, but if we had been on a date, I would have been paying more attention to how to sit closer so as to better smell him, than Iwould be paying attention to the fact that he shaves his unibrow, or the booger hanging out of his left nostril.
Then again, maybe the scientists already know this and they’re just tired of test subjects eating each other.
No comments:
Post a Comment